This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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