Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
