roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
