it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
