Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
two words...techno handjob
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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