Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
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As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
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I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month