my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
