when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
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using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
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the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE