my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
