I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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