The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
