my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
