I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
