I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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