Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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