i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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