Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
