I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
