Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
