I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
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How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
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We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.