in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?