Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling