.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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