just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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