Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
