Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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