Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
