I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
