My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
