All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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