Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
