I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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