Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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