apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
