The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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