I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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