I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
