if you like me you must not know who I am
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
