Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
