I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize