The maid of honor just puked.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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