Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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