I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just had sex bonerless
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
