Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
