the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
