dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
