I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
