Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
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It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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