Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
