I'm lost and stupid without you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
