break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
