i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
