I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
