Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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