I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
