Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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