before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
