A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
