dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
