my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested