So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who