You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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