Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
