I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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