i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
